Chick. Magnets.

An Original Thing By: Amy Alls

Two men, Sam and Ed, enter the stage wearing swimming trunks, tank tops, flip flops, sunglasses, sunscreen on their noses and animal-shaped life preservers around their waists. Sam carries himself confidently, strutting onto the stage with his hands on his hips while making flirtatious facial expressions in the direction of the audience and occasionally taking bites of a carrot. Ed is hunched over, reluctantly following Sam. He holds an uneaten stalk of celery in his hand. A paper cup comes flying from offstage and hits Ed in the head.

Offstage Voice-LOSERS!

Ed looks over at Sam, then at himself and lets out an annoyed sigh.

Ed-So, tell me again how this is supposed to get us dates?

Sam-No worries, bro. I’ve got it all figured out. You’ll see. I did research. I have a theory.

Ed removes his sunglasses and pinches above the bridge of his nose.

Ed-Humor me. Please. How EXACTLY is THIS going to attract women?

Sam-Fine. I was reading one of those chick magazines at the doctor’s office the other day. You know, Mirra---politan or something like that.

Ed looks over to the side, irritated and impatient. He lets out another sigh.

Sam-They took a poll to see what kind of men women want.

Ed, even more hunched over, rolls his eyes. Sam goes on, increasingly sure of his findings.

Sam-They found that 93% of women want a man who is aggressive…(Ed looks over at Sam, a bit worried, then down at himself, somewhat sad while Sam continues.)…but also sensitive. Of those same women surveyed, 77% wanted a man who was concerned about safety.

There’s a bit of a pause as Sam, quite seriously and deliberately, points to the sunscreen on his nose. Ed crosses his eyes looking at the sunscreen on his own nose. He then deflates once again, dropping the celery stalk he was holding.

Sam-97% want a man who is comfortable, who maintains a healthy lifestyle (Sam holds up the carrot and takes a bite. He says the final part of this line while chewing carrot.) and who likes animals.

Sam, feeling he is gaining momentum in his speech, points with both fingers at the animal shaped life preserver around his waist. Ed stares blankly at the audience.

Sam-Finally, this is the most important part because 100% of the women surveyed by this, I’m almost positive, MOST popular chick magazine, wanted a man who likes---LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH.

Sam holds out his arms as if to put himself on display and takes a bite of his carrot while Ed stands there, looking as if he can no longer contain his frustration.

Ed-That’s it?

Sam-Yeah, man. THIS is what women want. THIS is the complete package.

Ed-Sam, did it ever occur to you that the survey in that magazine might have only covered a very specific geographic region?

Sam-Well, I uh---

Ed-And did it ever cross your mind that those percentages may have been based on the opinions of maybe only 30 or 40 of that magazine’s readers in that region?

Sam-But, even if that was the---

Ed-AND did you have the PRESENCE OF MIND to REALIZE that THAT region may not be ANYWHERE NEAR WHERE WE LIVE????!!

Sam-Still, the---

Ed-AND don’t you think that this THEORY of yours would, were it not based on information gathered from 3 or 4 women from an unknown region in the world, BE BEST PUT TO THE TEST SOMEWHERE WITHIN DRIVING DISTANCE FROM A BEACH???!!! OR, AT THE VERY LEAST, NEAR A LARGE BODY OF WATER???!!!

Sam (quiet and a little frightened)-There’s a fountain in the food court.

Ed-AAARRRRGHH!!!

Ed pulls the sunglasses off of Sam’s face, breaks them and pops the animal shaped life preserver Sam is wearing, then stomps off stage. Sam looks sad at first, but regains his confidence and starts to make flirtatious facial expressions again to the audience.

Lights Down.

End.

"CHICK. MAGNETS." IS COPYWRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED IN ANY WAY OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESSED PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.