I'm Your Man

An Original Monologue By: Amy Alls

Lights up on Jason, an attractive, charming, masculine yet sensitive man in his early 20s. Jason pulls up a chair and speaks directly to a woman in the audience.

Jason-Men are scum. I mean, c’mon, I should know, right? Look at me. I’m a 23 year old boy. I still have a copy of my dad’s 1984 Hustler magazine stuffed into a hole in between my mattress and box springs. The hole is covered with duct tape and marked “PRIVATE,” but I’m a single guy and I live alone. Why am I still hiding my porn? I’m an idiot. That’s the only answer I have for you. That is the only verbal solace a man like me can offer you at this difficult time. Men are scum and men are idiots.

See, you are a painfully beautiful woman. You are a woman whose very essence rips rational thought from the minds of mere mortals and leaves them helpless and graveling for attention at your feet. Your name is synonymous with amazing, and if the idiot scumbag who brought tears to your eyes---to those incredible, soulful eyes---were half as worthy of your grace, he would be right here where I am right now, at your feet, begging for your forgiveness. Sound like a line? It probably is one.
Unfortunately, that other guy is an idiot. Unfortunately, he is scum. Truthfully, I’m not at your feet to beg your forgiveness or even worship your existence, but I do have a solution.

I’m your man.

Let’s face it. Emotionally, you’re in no position to be drowning yourself in the pressures of yet another relationship with an equally idiotic and scummy schlub who’ll leave you in the same predicament. Hey, I’m no exception. I’m exactly like Mr. Wrong. In fact, I AM Mr. Wrong. I will never be Mr. Right. But, I can be, and for you I WILL BE, Mr. Right Now. You should take full advantage of me to get back at him. I will willingly take responsibility for the entire male population of the planet and succumb to your desire for well-deserved vengeance. I will fully accept my place as the temporary comfort to your deep emotional pain. I will be the trampoline you need to jump on to your next committed, loving, caring relationship in which you, a phenomenal and wonderful lady, will live happily ever after.

I know what you’re thinking. This is all just some clever ploy to get you into bed. You’re so intuitive. You’re exactly right. I want to explore every inch of your quivering body with the tip of my tongue. I want to bathe your breasts in kisses, lay you down and fuck you until neither of us can walk. I’m a bastard. But, I will gladly be your own personal bastard until you’re done relieving yourself of all of this unnecessary pain.

Sure, you can turn me down now. I’ll just move on to the next teary-eyed Goddess. But, as much of an asshole as you know I am right now, don’t you just want to give me a dose of my own medicine? Don’t you want to show Mr. Wrong just how WRONG he is?