So the story goes like this...

One month ago today, I came home to find my roommate had moved out. We lived together for 5 years and, as of the month of September, known each other for 6 years. Our friendship was very rocky, but, until what will now be known as our last year together, it was solid. I loved him. I knew we would never be a romantic couple. I accepted that. But I always believed, with every last bit of my heart, that he loved me. Even through the times that he hurt me, he always made it better until...so I never in a million years expected that he'd ever just abandon me completely without so much as a "goodbye." I thought we'd go to each other's weddings, we'd visit each other, maybe invite each other to barbecues, maybe our kids would play together, or maybe we'd just say Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas once a year... I trusted him. I believed he was my friend. I didn't care about his habit of saying mean things or doing mean things to me because I didn't think he meant them. I thought that, when people know each other intimately for as long as we'd known each other (living together), that people just fought sometimes. The fact that we used to be able to just get over it made me believe our friendship was even stronger. Now, I'm expected to just move on with my life. Because YES, he is an asshole. Because YES, he hurt me in more ways than I can even count and ended up betraying me in the only way that he knew would be the absolute most devastating way to betray me...Because he has completely forgotten my existence and moved on with his life as if I was just another piece of trash he left behind. These are all valid reasons for "moving on." But, just because he can erase me doesn't mean I can erase him. I really wish I could. I really wish I could only remember all of the horrible things he did to me and just get angry and be done with it. I've been trying to...and then something will come on tv or I'll meet someone or hear music or experience something and everything just comes flooding back into my mind. The good, the bad, the ugly--the life I lived as few as 31 days ago is now just upside down, spilling away into a pool of the past that, if I can't get over this, I will just drown in. I want him to tell me what happened...to tell me I'm not trash and that he's sorry he left the way he did. I want him to make it better like all the times he hit me or yelled at me or called me names. I realize that those are all reasons that people should leave people and that most people think I should have kicked him out on the street and left him for the police when he did those things to me. But, I didn't. I loved him...for all of this faults, I loved him just the way he was and thought that, because I truly believed that he loved me, he would stop hurting me when he was ready. I want him to tell me if there was ANYTHING good about us and, if not, why did he pretend to be my friend for 6 years? Was it all leading up to this...was the plan to build me up just to completely devastate me? I want answers. I want closure. I want to stop thinking about this...wondering all the time...WHY?