How to Answer the Question

"Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
An Original Thing By: Amy Alls

Father: Blue Eyes, I love you very much. You know that, right?

Young Woman: Yes, Daddy.

Father: And I would never try to criticize any of the choices you’ve made in the past because I know that you wouldn’t be the wonderful person you are today without having made those choices.

Young Woman (wondering what the “but” is): Yes, Daddy?

Father: But, it occurs to me that you’re pushing 30 now. 30 years is, well, I wish I was 30 again but that’s beside the point—

Young Woman (beginning to get a little irritated): Yes. Daddy.

Father: Sugar booger, why aren’t you married yet?

Young Woman (lost for words and not amused): I don’t know, Daddy.

Young Woman (to the audience): Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever felt that there was something you should have said instead of what you actually ended up saying? Hi. I’m the most frank (if not a little uncomfortably blunt at times) person on the face of the planet and I’m here to help you with your verbal constipation in sticky situations just like this one. Let’s try that again, shall we?

Father: Blue Eyes, I love you very much. You know that, right?

Young Woman (to the audience): Now, in most conversations, if there is going to be any sort of even subtle criticism about anything whatsoever, you can almost bet that whomever is about to ask you an uncomfortable question will first point out what they like about you. If you’re smart, you can catch it and prevent the discomfort from happening in the first place just by throwing in more words and perhaps even an uncomfortable question of your own. Here’s an example:

Young Woman (to Father): I love you too, Daddy. How did you enjoy your time in jail? Is it true what they say about bending over to pick up the soap in the showers?

Young Woman (to the Audience): See? The question that would have been uncomfortable or maybe just irritating for you was completely avoided just by changing verbal constipation into diarrhea of the mouth. However, if you don’t happen to snap into action right then and there, you get one step closer to slowing the blood flow to your brain and wishing later that you had said something clever. However, the “but” goes on:

Father: But, it occurs to me that you’re pushing 30 now. 30 years is, well, I wish I was 30 again but that’s beside the point—

Young Woman (to Father): Would you really want to go back to when you were 30? Don’t you remember your 3rd wife, Teresa? Isn’t she the one who slept with Uncle Mike and then gave you the clap? You complained about not being able to pee without that burning sensation for almost 6 months.

Young Woman (to Audience): Voila! Question shot down in mid-thought just before the attack of awkward that was about to invade your situation. Still, out of politeness, some of us let that bomb slip through and we’re faced with the inevitability of complete and utter embarrassment. The question sneaks in. It’s your last chance to redeem yourself.

Father: Sugar booger, why aren’t you married yet?

Young Woman (to Audience): You can’t cop out. You have to say exactly what you want to say and it has to make the interrogator shut up.

Young Woman (To Father): I haven’t found the right person yet.

Young Woman (to Audience): No. That’s not it. Try again.

Young Woman (to Father): I’m concentrating on my career.

Young Woman (to Audience): Nuh-uh. Nope. Thank you sir, may I have another?

Young Woman (to Father): I don’t believe in marriage.

Young Woman (to Audience): Do you want to open up a whole other can of worms? C’mon! You can do this!

Father: Sugar booger, why aren’t you married yet?

Young Woman (to Audience): ANSWER THE QUESTION!

Young Woman (to Father): Daddy, you know I love you very much right?

Father: Yes, Blue Eyes.

Young Woman (to Father with a hint of sarcasm): And I would never try to criticize any of the choices you’ve made in the past because I know that you wouldn’t be the wonderful person you are today without having made those choices.

Father: Yes, Blue Eyes?

Young Woman (to Father): But it occurs to me that you are pushing 60 now and I am very glad that, unlike you, I have so much of my life ahead of me to look forward to, but that’s beside the point—

Father: Yes. Blue Eyes.

Young Woman (to Father): Daddy, why aren’t you dead yet?

Young Woman (to Audience): There you have it. With enough practice, patience and embarrassing information about your friends and loved ones who insist on hassling you with uncomfortable and oftentimes rude questions, you too can learn to avoid or answer questions calmly and cleverly.

"How to Answer the Question: 'Why Aren't You Married Yet?'" IS COPYWRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT EXPRESSED PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.