Uniform Come-On

An Original Thing By: Amy Alls

A woman, Mary, is seated on a bus between a man in a military uniform (any kind will do) and either a police officer or a fireman (doesn’t matter which one, he just has to have the right uniform). She is talking to a gentleman seated across from her wearing khaki pants and a polo shirt, though it is unclear at times to whom she is referring because she occasionally looks around as if she’s talking to everyone on the bus. The staging should be at an angle so the audience cannot see the face of the man Mary is talking to.

Mary-I’m a sucker for a man in uniform. I don’t know what it is exactly that makes me melt every time I spot one in a crowd or accidentally bump into one on the street or—(looks around)—on the bus (looks around and laughs politely). Whatever it is, it drives me crazy. Some would say that such a fetish stems from a deep desire for reliability, responsibility and, most importantly, overall alpha grade masculinity. In fact, society trains us from a very early age to admire persons in uniform for those exact reasons. Not to mention, we’ve spent centuries grooming our males for such admirable professions as police officers, firemen and, of course, members of any branch of the armed services. These professions not only represent reliability, responsibility and masculinity, they are also the most socially acceptable symbols of strength and safety. From a sociological standpoint, this leads the average person, male or female, to trust that a man in uniform will never fail to protect us.

Thing is, nowadays, the perfectly almost natural preoccupation with men in uniform has expanded to the extent of fitting many more professions of all types with uniforms. Stunningly, the idea of the uniform, originating with the military and then civil servicemen, has not lost its profound effect on women, whether it be a firemen’s uniform or that of, say, the milk man.

Each of the men on either side of Mary is beginning to get turned on by her babbling about men in uniform, assuming it's them she's talking about. They each decide to put their arm around her at the same time just as she leans over to flirt with the man across from her. This, of course, causes them to lock arms with eachother instead of around her.

I was noticing the subtle creases in your pant legs and the perfect fold at the edge of your collar. I think it’s a wise choice for you to leave that top button undone—and I’m assuming that little mark (points to a spot of nasty gunk on his shirt) is just one of your many battle scars.

So, what do you say? Feel like making a girl a sandwich today?

Man across from Mary stands up, puts on a cap inscribed with the logo of a sandwich shop, turns to the audience and salutes, then walks offstage. Mary sighs longingly and watches him all the way.

Lights Down.

End.

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